Crash
by Rally4ever
Summary: Short story based off of 'Paternity.' Had to do it.  Kathy's thoughts watching Elliot with Olivia. Elliot's turn. Who's left?  Reviews appreciated.
1. Watching Them

I don't own Law & Order: SVU or its characters: this is the only way I can release my pent up energy that comes from watching.

* * *

Holding her new-born son, Elliot Stabler Jr., Kathy looked up watching Elliot Sr. leave. 

Through the open blinds that covered the door and the window of her hospital room,  
she could make out Olivia smiling at Elliot; she could see Elliot respond by heaving his shoulders from relief and pride.

She didn't expect to see what would happen next, though she probably should not have been too surprised.  
Elliot seemed to have started walking past Olivia, then he made a rapid motion and turned around like he forgot something important,  
seeming to have caught them both off guard; he was holding her, grasping his partner tightly, as if he were fearful she would slip away.

It was his face she could see now, the expression was indescribable.  
A mix of emotion was written all over him, was it gratitude, protectiveness, or something more that was there?  
After a slight shock, Olivia raised her arms and returned his gesture.

Though Kathy couldn't read her face; she imagined Olivia's eyes would show everything his were.  
It was then Kathy realized, maybe she always knew somehow that she couldn't compete with what they had together,  
and that she would never really measure up to the woman in his arms now.

Not that she could blame him for it, after all the woman just saved her baby's life and her own.

Kathy had a feeling, though she thought she had gotten over it and put it behind her, that she would always be jealous of Olivia Benson,  
the 'other' woman who shared a part of Elliot, a piece of his life that she would never really know or understand.

She began to wonder if it was Olivia, who Elliot had been seeing during their separation.  
She knew watching them that Olivia had a place in his heart, a big one.  
No one, could begin fill or replace what Olivia meant to him; not even her.


	2. Holding Her

I don't own Law & Order: SVU... Elliot or Olivia... I wish I did. I'm jealous of Dick Wolf.

* * *

I walk out of Kathy's room to Olivia's smiling face to greet me, 

that smile will always calm and reassure me; even during the worst times.

She asks me about the baby, I barely register her question, I have to take a deep breath  
in to process it all, I'm so happy he's "great," I tell her.

Thanks to her he is; they both are. That drunken idiot put their lives in danger.

I start to walk past her, the corner of the wall she's been leaning on waiting for me, to see if everyone's okay, to see if I'm okay.

In that split second, it hits me hard like a ton of bricks, the idiot could've killed her too, on my way into Kathy's room, I'd been so worried about them that  
I practically pushed her aside when she said my name, I didn't really check on her. Olivia's so strong, I've always thought so in my mind, she's a rock, my rock.  
Still, she must be dealing with what happened, what could've happened. What we could have lost. While I was still headed back, I heard about her heroics from  
Cragen on the phone, he had witnessed it all. She didn't think about herself, not for a second, only about getting them out of there and keeping them safe.

My heart nearly sank in my stomach when Fin told me there was an accident, when I realized it was Kathy and Olivia,  
the two most important people in my life besides my children… Terrified doesn't even begin to describe the panic I felt.

I might have lost her. Did I even thank her?

I turn around and quickly pull her towards me.

She was so close; she must have been turning too to walk with me.  
It's like I almost caught her. Good timing.

She's surprised but her arms quickly wrap around me too.

I hold her tight to me, part of me wanting to make sure she's real; she's with me here, now.  
My partner, my best friend and… I owe her so much.

Without her, I don't know what I would do, how I'd make it through anything.

No words could truly express how grateful I am to her. I hope somehow, she'll understand this way.  
I'm acutely aware of so many emotions holding her like this; I can't give them all name.  
All I know for sure, this is right. Being like this with her is right.

I close my eyes, knowing I'm feeling like I never want to let her go away from me again.

Regretting the inevitable moment that I'll have to release her, selfishly I squeeze her tighter still, fighting it off.  
I couldn't say how much time passed between us; all I know is it didn't seem long enough. I don't suppose it ever will.


	3. Holding Me

I mainly want to say... I don't own Olivia... or any other characters affiliated with Law & Order: SVU. Thanks for all the support. I hope you'll enjoy this.  
And Yes, you probably realized it was coming. Once again let me say, especially in this instance, I had to.

* * *

I'd been lost in thought, but I feel a smile coming over me, when I see Elliot finally come out of that hospital room and walking towards me. 

I ask him, "How's the baby?"

He smiles back at me with a breath and shrugging relieved heave of his shoulders.

I hear the words I've been wanting to when he says the baby's, "fine."

The baby's turbulent birth and the events leading up to it replay in my mind;  
I'm still not sure how I managed to do what I did, I just did it. I had to.

I couldn't begin to imagine what it would have done to Elliot if he had lost them.

That was enough, in and of it-self, to keep me pushing past my own pain and make me work even harder.  
I still can't fully explain why I feel so compelled to protect him, his interests. Maybe it's out of habit. To keep him from pain, I'd do anything.

I'm not a particularly selfish creature, never really have been… maybe it's just the woman in me…. But knowing Elliot has pushed me further  
beyond even my own comfort zone. I can honestly say that I've never put someone's needs before my own as much as I do his.  
It's a part of me I've come to accept, I've gotten used to it. I don't know if he has or if he appreciates it.

Most of all I want him happy, truly happy.

No matter what that means. No matter what it means for me.

My smile is still in place, as I feel him brush past me…

I turn to follow him. He turns back around sharply, he's facing me.

Before I fully comprehend what's happened, I sense his arms move and enclose around my back. He's holding me….

Rational thought fails me; his grasp is firm but somehow gently reassuring. I realize he's conveying so much with this… He's thanking me; he's telling me  
it will all be okay, he's telling me he's here with me right now. He's also somewhat apologetic and regretful, I want to tell him that I'm fine and it shouldn't  
have been him, he couldn't have done anything to prevent what had happened… but words escape me.

So, I just hug him back. Hopefully, he'll understand what I'm saying too.

I shouldn't worry about that, we're usually so in sync with one another.

His breath tingles at my hair. His touch is electric along my spine. My heart starts to involuntarily race. I want to help it, like some part of me thinks I shouldn't,  
but I can't stop myself… I melt into his embrace. I feel myself sinking, I'm not sure I could stand if he wasn't holding me up. I close my eyes, savoring our closeness.  
It amazes me still, how a simple gesture from him makes me feel so much.

No other man has ever made me feel the way he does. It scares me too, the power he holds over me; like I'm under some irresistible spell he's cast,  
and I want to stay bound. The thought of never seeing him again, never being with or there for him was unbearable. Nothing like a near death experience,  
to make it all hit home. He means the world, everything to me. I'd thought those words a cliche til they rang true for me.

If I wasn't aware of it before, I know it beyond any reasonable doubt now… He's my partner, my best friend, my soul mate… 'I love this man.'  
Those words; that emotion comes to me, flooding every other sense making me numb to anything else while I'm holding him; holding me.

No matter how much, how hard I've tried to deny it, especially to myself, I can't.  
I don't possess that kind of strength in me anymore; not after what I've been through.

If he thinks me strong, he'd be surprised how weak I really am, how much he weakens me, my resolve.  
Perhaps my resolve wasn't that strong either to begin with.

I can only think to myself, 'El, stay. Please don't let me go. Not yet. Not ever.'

As if in response to my silent plea, his grip around me tightens. My heart increases its already rapid beating; I'm finding it ever more difficult to breathe.

Does he possibly know how much I want this? How much I need him right now?

I long for times like this; however fleeting…  
It makes it all worth while; this is why I hang on.

Though he may at times have 'anger-management issues,' on the same token,  
he possesses a tenderness I've never known in anyone else.  
People have questioned why I put up with him, if they only knew.

In the back of my mind, I know I should be considering Kathy, the kids, the new baby… but what could this one moment in time hurt?  
I'm just borrowing him, I silently promise myself and them I'll give him back, I always do … too soon he'll go back to the life he was living,  
taking on the roles of the devoted husband and father. Ironic, how much I love his commitment to what matters to him, yet it rips at me.  
I often wonder if I matter too? I think he's showing me the answer to the question I never dare ask. I do matter.

For now, he's mine and I'm his. There's no fighting it.

When we're like this together… We belong to one other.

It doesn't have to be right or wrong. But if I had to choose one to go with in this moment, I'd know my answer. How could something so right ever be wrong?

I think he knows it too somehow. It's a truth; no person or thing could take away from us right now. Unstoppable like a crash, terrible analogy considering,  
but fitting nonetheless. That's how I feel right now, like I've been crashed into a second time today. We crashed into each other. He blindsided me, and all  
I could do as time slowed was watch and let it happen… In my state of mind, I can't even try to decide which kind of crash was more dangerous.


End file.
